A Cacophony of Angels
Part V

 
I'd never been to Roppongi. Or, rather, Hayashi Kouki had never been to Roppongi. hide had, of course, many times. There was something about the place that seemed very familiar - places and street names and just the way the sun slanted over the tops of the buildings that all cried out to be recognized, no matter how hard I tried to clear my mind. What had happened this morning in the studio was still too close, too frightening, too…real.

I didn't want to be hide. I wasn't hide. And having his memories in what should be my brain, even though I was still in his body, terrified me.

I felt like there should be a headache or something coming, but my head felt remarkably clear as the taxi honked and fought its way through the crowds of harassed pedestrians. It was only a little past noon, and there shouldn't have been that many people around. I mentioned this to Toshi, and he shrugged.

"Who knows with the gaijin? Maybe it's a national holiday in American or something."

"I don't think so," Heath said.

"How would you know?" Toshi shot back, mock-annoyed.

I sighed, and they both looked over at me. I studiously kept my eyes on the window, watching the scenery crawl by. There were a lot of blond women around, I realized, watching yet another young, model-thin blonde walk by with huge sunglasses hiding her eyes, swinging at least three shopping bags from each arm.

"I think that was a lovesick sigh," announced Heath from behind me. "She's got nice legs, huh."

The blond woman disappeared around the corner and I suddenly realized the other two were crammed behind me, trying to see out my window.

"Ow! Quit it! Heath, you've got a damn window on the other side!"

"This side's got more hot chicks," he protested, and Toshi snorted.

The taxi turned down a side street and groaned to a halt. My legs felt like lead as the doors swung open and I dragged myself out of the taxi, wishing more than anything I could let the other two out and tell the taxi driver to take me back to my apartment. But I'd gotten this far, and I had to keep up appearances.

A hand clamped me around the shoulder and I gave a startled yelp as Toshi's voice said from behind me, "Geez, Matsumoto, do we have to drag you or what?"

"Coming," I muttered, rubbing at the sore spot on my shoulder where his fingers had pinched.

The bar in question was down a flight of dark stairs, through a rather rank smelling entryway. It must look wonderful and classy in the neon-lit lights at night, but in the daylight it was dark and smelled rather musty. Still, I tried not to look dubious as Heath swung open the door as if we were familiar patrons here and led us inside. Then again, we probably were regular patrons here – something else I didn't know. It was starting to become a familiar feeling.

Toshi and Heath apparently were good friends with the bartender, who they were heartily greeting over the counter, and I noticed the lanky, cheerful man nod over at me. I ambled over, trying not to look too out place, and gave him what I hoped was a friendly, if a bit crooked, smile.

"What's up with you?" he said, giving me a strange look.

"Sorry, I've been sick…" I trailed off, and he howled with laughter.

"Sick! Good one, Matsumoto…you've never been sick in your fucking life. Unless that counts the times you've gotten sick after having a little too much fun at night."

Toshi snickered and Heath looked amused, so I tried to smile at that, though I didn't find it the least bit funny. The bartender chuckled to himself a bit more, then clapped his hands together. "All you of you want your usual?"

The other two nodded so I did as well, hoping that hide's taste in beverages was better than his taste in clothes. The drink that was handed me smelled a little odd, though pleasantly odd, and I tried not to appear too conspicuously cautious as I took a trying sip. It was, after all, supposed to be hide's favorite drink.

To my not-too-faint surprise, the drink was good. I would have asked what it was called, but that wouldn't have been a good idea. So I simply waited as the other two made some parting jokes with the bartender, who was already turning to serve some new patrons on the other side of the bar, and then waved me over to one of the small tables in one of the far corners of the bar, carefully out of sight of the door.

"Dark in here," I said offhandedly as I plopped down on one of the chairs in what I hoped was a hide-like nonchalant action and took a long, considering sip of my drink.

Heath and Toshi looked at each other.

"What?" I demanded, my nervous level rising another notch.

"This is your favorite table," Heath said, eyeing me suspiciously. "You never allow us to sit at another table. Ever."

"We tried," Toshi interjected. "We always try to get you to move. I swear there must be a magnet on your ass drawing you to your chair or something."

I blinked. "Well, you know what they say."

"What do they say?" Heath said, sounding dubious.

"There's a first time for everything," I announced, getting up. "Come on. This corner's too dark for my mood today. Let's go find somewhere else to sit."

I could feel their confusion as I pushed myself up from the chair and wandered towards the front of the establishment, choosing a well-lighted table closer to the bar, just in case hide decided that I needed another drink to calm me down. His taste in alcohol was impeccable, I decided, taking another sip from my drink. I saw Heath and Toshi creep in at the edges of my vision and sit down gingerly opposite me, avoiding my gaze.

"Look, guys," I said petulantly. "You spend the entire day trying to get me to lighten up, and when I finally do, you look at me like I'm possessed."

Toshi nudged Heath, eyes wide. "You really think he's possessed?"

"I never said that," the bassist snapped, then looked up, meeting my eyes. I'd had another smart retort on my tongue, but there was an honesty in his gaze that melted away whatever bitter words would have come out of my mouth. "Look…hide…we're just worried, all right? You haven't been yourself. We're your friends, right? Your best friends. We've a right to know what's going on." A glance at Toshi. If I hadn't known them as well as I did, I might have missed the brief silent dialogue that passed between them, and then Toshi nodded as well.

"Heath's right," he said. "There's obviously something going on, and it's not just that you fell down the stairs."

"You can tell us," Heath said. "Family? Drugs? What is it?"

I fought down the rising urge to laugh, to laugh because if I didn't laugh, I'd cry. These two men, sitting across from me, so genuine in their affections for the man I'd tried to hate my entire life. I blinked, and in that instant, it wasn't just Heath and Toshi that looked different in my eyes, it was hide as well, the picture on my father's desk, a ghost given breath, a new life.

That was, after all, what I was here to do. This, perhaps, was one of the things that hide had meant by a "second chance."

The thought disturbed me, and I filed it away in the category of things to think about later, aware that Toshi was tapping his fingers nervously against the side of his glass and Heath was chewing his lip. Both of them only did that when they were anxious about something and trying not to show it.

"I’m fine," I said again, quietly, and before they could say anything more, I held up my hand. "Look. I trust you. I trust all of the band members. I promise if I ever need any help, I'll ask."

"Or if you need to talk to someone, you'll ask, right?" Heath said dubiously, eyeing me as if I were a ghost that would suddenly disappear from before his very eyes. If only he knew what an apt simile that was turning out to be.

"I-" I started to say, but Toshi shook his head, smiling a little.

"He'll be fine," he said. "He has Yo-chan."

Something in his voice made me look sharply at him, but he was back to his usual innocently inscrutable self, raising the glass to his lips.

"I suppose," Heath muttered.

"Speaking of Yo-chan," I cut in, the nickname feeling strange on my tongue, "what's the big deal?"

The worried look abruptly vanished from Heath's face as he folded his arms across his chest and looked smug. "Look, hide," he said. "How long is it since you've been to a party?"

"Uh…" I trailed off, wondering both where he was leading and also how long it had been since hide had been to a party. I obviously had no clue. Fortunately, Toshi saved me the trouble of making something up.

"None of us have seen Yoshiki in ages," he said. "And you know and everyone knows he's working his ass off for this tour and the record. I figure, we should throw a little something to show how much we appreciate it."

"So it's a Happy Yoshiki Day party."

"Something like that," Heath said. "And also we just feel like throwing a party. With girls. Lots of girls."

"And beer," Toshi said. "Lots of beer."

"Pata would like that," I interjected, and both of them looked at me.

"So you're in?"

"Uh…" I stammered, and Heath practically glowed with pride.

"Good. We're gonna have to get you to supply the girls. You know more of them than we do."

I grinned with a lightness that I didn't at all feel. "Maybe so."

Toshi got up from the table to get another beer, and I sat back, glancing around the establishment, wanting to ask Heath all kinds of questions about how we'd ended up here, bits and pieces of band history that hide would know but I didn't, and just wanting to find out more about the enigmatic bassist who sat so serenely across from me, sipping his drink. But I couldn't. Not without compromising the shaky pedestal on which I'd balanced myself. So I said nothing and sipped my drink in turn. Toshi came back and we sat there, just the three of us, in comfortable silence.

I remembered dimly something my father used to say about how drinking with old friends made the drinks even better. Or something. I didn't quite remember what the saying was. To think of it, I wasn't quite sure why I was thinking about my father anyway. There was something important about…

With a shake, I brought myself back, wrenching hide's consciousness away from me. He'd said this would happen, but it didn't make the process any more comfortable.

I am Kouki Hayashi. Hayashi Yoshiki…is my father.

"Well, it's been fun," Heath said, pushing back his chair and standing up. "I gotta run. Get the tab for me and I'll pay you back tomorrow. Thanks."

"No way!" Toshi exclaimed, but Heath was already gone. The vocalist scowled. "Fuck, he always does that. He owes me at least 4500 yen." He threw his hands up in the air, and then cast me an unreadable look. "You're quiet today. Usually you'd be swearing to kill him too."

"Thinking," I said. I was tired of pretending to know everything hide did, so I let that last comment pass. There were some things I would just have to ignore.

Toshi snorted. "What is with you, man? Since when did you turn philosophical?"

I glanced at him. "What's with you?" I had asked the question before even really realizing that I'd said it out loud, but since it was done, I decided to let it hang. I – Kouki – had read a lot about Toshi and Yoshiki on those websites in what seemed ages ago. About their friendship. About the destruction of that friendship. It had been hard at the time for me to come to the realization that my father had had friends, much less friends as good as hide and Toshi. And Toshi was someone I had wondered about all my life.

"What do you mean?" he looked confused.

"You and Yoshiki. What's up with you two these days?"

He got very quiet, staring down at his drink, and then raised his mug and drained it all in one gulp. I started to say something, but he looked up at me.

"Shut up," he said.

A hundred questions ran through my mind, but none of them were anything that the real hide would have asked Toshi, so I simply took his advice and shut up, waiting for him to make the first move. The question was asked, the bait was there, and I knew Toshi would take it. It was only a matter of time.

The silence stretched. I could hear the TV in the background of the bar. I wanted another beer, but I wanted to hear Toshi say something first. I…right. I was…

My thought processes spun for a moment, and I grabbed onto that name. Kouki Hayashi. Please let me stay me for a little while longer. At least give me that, hide.

"I should be jealous of you, you know," he said at last.

I didn't pretend to play ignorant. We both knew that would be a lie. "Why aren't you?"

He toyed with his empty mug. "I don't know, really." His eyes met mine. He had very expressive eyes, even without the makeup on. We hadn't worn makeup for a few years now, and I wondered how many of our fans knew how open and honest Toshi could really be. True, he had a quick temper, but he always meant well. "If it were anyone else, I think I'd be jealous. It's not that I think that Yo-chan is mine, or anything…I mean, I know better than anyone that Yo-chan's a pretty fickle guy, and he'll go where he wants to go. I sometimes can't even believe he's stayed friends with me this long."

"Why not?"

Toshi laughed. "Now you're just being facetious. I'm not Yoshiki's type. You are. I'm not…cool enough, I guess that's the word. It sounds stupid. But I know I'm not that smart, and I'm not as musical as you all. Fuck, I'm not near anything any of you are. Even Pata…he drinks better than I do."

That made me laugh. Almost. It was so true, all of it. He tried, Toshi really did…but it was never enough. Yoshiki constantly pounded at him during sessions, telling him to make it better, make it better, and I had seen the looks on Toshi's face during those times, like a bird on the highway knowing that it's about to be run over and who can't take flight in time. Yes, Yoshiki ragged on all of us, too, but it was nowhere near as brutal as what he did to the vocalist.

Sometimes I didn't understand it, but I kept quiet. I remembered what had happened to Taiji when he had opened his mouth a few times too many, and I didn't want it to happen to me. I wouldn't hesitate to tell Yoshiki that he was mistaken, in private, afterwards, but even then I knew when to stop.

That was the problem with Yoshiki. He didn't know when to stop.

"Toshi-"

He held up a hand. "I don't want sympathy. Sympathy is for cowards and sons of bitches who can't hold their liquor. I'm past that now. Maybe a few years ago…but I've accepted Yo-chan for who he is, even though we've grown apart."

I nodded silently, not having any of the words to say. It was strange, Yoshiki's oldest friend, celebrating their friendship while mourning it at the same time. I wondered what Yoshiki had been like as a kid. Had he been the same bossy know-it-all that he was now? Was he fun to hang around?

I wondered what would have happened if my grandfather hadn't killed himself. If my mother hadn't died.

"Matsumoto, you still with me? I really don't feel like pouring out my sob story to an empty mug of beer."

"I’m with you," I said softly. "Sometimes I…" I trailed off, confused for some reason, feeling like there was another presence within my head. That was odd. I wasn't drunk – at least I didn't think I was.

Who are you and what are you doing here?

I'm you. I'm hide.

No you're not. I'm me. I'm….

What?

There was a roaring sound, like the sound of a train in a tunnel, and I shook my head hard and the voices vanished. "I'm not trying to steal him," I said, hoping that Toshi hadn't noticed my brief lapse in concentration. "I would never try to steal him."

"I already said Yoshiki will go where he wants to go," Toshi said patiently. "I'm way over that. Don't think that I'm still that immature. I may be stupid, but I am grown up enough to make my own decisions, you know."

I had to smile at that. "I know that. You're not stupid."

"Thanks, your vote of confidence really means a lot," he shot back sarcastically, but there was no fire in the words. He wanted to say something else, I knew. I waited.

"You know, Hideto…all my life, I've just wanted one thing. I wanted to matter."

I couldn't think of a response to that. He stared at the table. I stared at the ceiling. Finally, realizing that he'd run out of steam, I stirred. "Toshi…I just don't…well, I don't want to think I'm coming in between anything."

If I hadn't been watching closely, I would have missed the twitch of the eyebrow, the shadow that passed across his face. "No," Toshi said lightly. "Not coming between at all."

"Are you sure? You've been distracted lately."

"You're one to talk, Matsumoto." He stood. "Look, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. I'll see you at practice tomorrow, all right? Here's my tab." He threw the change on the table and was lost in the crowd. I didn't watch him go.

There had been the unspoken words hanging in the air. They still hung there, unsaid, but both of us knew each other well enough to know that they were there. No, Toshi wasn't jealous, because there was no reason to be.

You're not coming between us. There's nothing to come between anymore.

It ended a long time ago.

I understood what had happened to Toshi. He'd kept it all inside, and it ate away at him until he could do nothing more than to find a new life, away from Yoshiki, away from everything that he'd lived, because everything he had known reeked of the man who had once been his best friend. To Toshi, X was Yoshiki. And that was why he was here.

For some reason, I felt that should make me sad, but instead I just felt very mellow. Maybe it was the liquor. I looked down at my empty mug, and then at the cash on the table, and figured since I was here, I should enjoy it while it lasted. Scooping up the money in my right hand, I picked up my mug with my left and headed for the bar.

 
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